I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
