if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
