i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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