mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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