I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
