he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
did i walk over a car last night?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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