Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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