so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
