i already hear my dad disowning me
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
