Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize