BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
