I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
