Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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