connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
