checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
