I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
