In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
