When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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