I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
