please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
