Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
