Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
