Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
