I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my being single is dangerous.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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