Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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