The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
