I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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