RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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