he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
