Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Randomize
