Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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