Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
