Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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