so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize