Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
