I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
