We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
