Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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