some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
