Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
