I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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