he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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