You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize