I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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