I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
