i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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