I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
