I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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