why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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