can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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