My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You are a genius and a whore.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
