Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
well you can't waste a boner
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
