Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
