you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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