I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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