so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She tied me up with her honor cords...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
