Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
