Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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