it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
